at a lost

I’m trying to hold it all together ,but it is getting so much harder to do. I walk around with a mask on so no one can see the hell I live with inside my head.

There isn’t much more I can either handle or lose at this point. My best friend wants little if anything to do with me.He says it isn’t so,but don’t actions speak louder then words? He told me a few months ago that what I thought and wanted was important,and his actions towards me he was going to fix. No longer with just words but was going to show me.I see him maybe once or twice a week if I’m lucky. He did come Friday and Saturday for awhile .It just feels like he’s thrown me away because my usefulness is no longer needed or wanted. I am not use to this from him and am very disappointed by his behavior towards me.He’s been my best friend for nearly 7 years and have been inseparable for the last 4 or 5. I just don’t get it!

I hate that all my so called friendships are all based on conditions and contradictions. Half the time I don’t know if i’m coming or going ,but I try to continue as I always have………After all, isn’t that what a true friend does?

I’m about to lose everything I own, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have tried not to worry about what I can’t change but something has to give and soon!

It is so hard to find reason to get up and continue to go on everyday. Everyday I wear a mask so no one will see how bad my mental state is. I want to say I give, but it won’t solve anything. oh well, one more day and one more day is how i will try to go on. but god it’s hard.

my world today

Have you ever experience a time in your life where quiet desperation was all you had? Where the world seemed as unfriendly as the neighbor’s dog , ready to pounce on ya as the gate opens?

Lately this has been my world I see , where I live. A place where chasing rainbows is unimportant …..seems like no point in even looking because you’ll never find one anyways.This is a world of no hope,no laughs, no faith, and no help around the corner.It all seems too real to swallow sometimes without any escape. A place where the walls are all crashing down around you without a hero to help in sight.

So many loses and so few gains have beaten me down to a hollow shell of a person.Hopelessness and helplessness are my newest and best friends right now.Every minute seems like a struggle to hang on ,and every breath seems like a lifetime.

I’m not saying that life is worthless,but just trying right now.It’s funny that people see a rock where only a pebble stands disguised as a rock. I have probably lost anyone and everyone reading this . Again welcome to my world lol. The thing about being lost is you will eventually find your way. Sometimes it just takes longer to get where your going. Its the trip that counts not the distance.Finding the strenght to keep going is the trick to it all. You borrow and steal what you don’t already have from any source near you. Hopefully someone will willingly share with ya ,but usually you have to sneak it away from them without them knowing.

Any case, you do what you need to do with what you have.

Finally A BREAK

 For some reason wordpress wouldn’t let me write in my blog for sometime……not sure if it was my computer or something wrong with this site . Either way it seems fixed now.

 The last few months for me have been rough ones.Depression have been constant companion which I am glad it has finally found another place to hang out. My friend Darryl has been my lifesaver during these times.He has always made himself available to lend me an ear or a shoulder to cry on…Money has become such an issue…not enough to pay the bills or even to buy a few presents for my girls. I knew my kids were extremely special but I never knew just how special they were. My girls elected to give up any presents they may have gotten to insure that Sebastian had a Christmas. It broke my heart to tell them that money was THAT tight, but they gave me the best present they ever could for Christmas…………understanding and selflessness.

 SSI denied me again last month ,but thanks to another friend of mine here I found a Lawyer that was willing to help me. The next step now is in the courtroom.It seemed hopeless until this week.I still may not win but at least I’m fighting for myself.It’s a start!

 To all my friend to whom I have not spoken to lately….I just wanted to let you know you ARE MISSED very much! Life was giving me way to much to handle but I am alive and well.I wanted to wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!! I love each and everyone of you all dearly. My friends in Roger’sGardenGate  I will see you soon in chat…..

 With those thoughts and well wishing I will say goodnight….May anyone reading this be blessed in their lives and in their dreams. MERRY Christmas!

The New and Improved

 Its funny the “new and improve” to me actually describes that something BETTER is taking place.My cable company went from yucky Adelphia cable to better Time Warner cable. Now let me tell you about the better service T.W……IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

Since the conversion my internet service is nearly non-existence…..meaning it is out more then it is working. Since 12am Wednesday night/Thursday morning until sometime this morning(Friday) the internet was out of order. That made it  a grand total of only working three days this week.That is better the 30 days out of the month with Adelphia?????Guess my math is lacking because I always thought 30 was better then 3.Perhaps I need to go back to school and relearn my math.

So to those who didn’t hear from me yesterday HAPPY THANKSGIVING….sometimes late is better then never. ….sorry.It really wasn’t my lack of desire to wish all well but my wonderful “new and improved” cable company’s idea of good customer service and quality. Well I better post this before My service gets better again and someone wakes up at their post and turns off the internet again !roflmao :p

Things I Have Learned In the Last Few Months:

     There are several things that I have learned in the past six months that  has changed the way I look at myself and my life.

1. Not everything that changes is all bad:

 Sometimes without knowing the reason right then, things will change. At the time you feel you are losing your grip on your so called life when the reality of it is …..it is what is best for you so another door can open for you.It makes you prepared for it…In a way, it breaks you down to be rebuilt.

2.Friendships grow and change:

I have had many long time friendships that seemed to change for the worst over a short period of time..I spent way too much time pondering what I had done to cause this.The truth of it is I have found out, that it was them who changed and all I needed to do was let it happen. They needed something different ,and it wasn’t anything I had done or hadn’t done to cause it.Some walked away ….while others came closer in a different way.In the end, they are better friendships because of it.

3.As bad as it seems it CAN get worst:

Just when you think you are at the end of your rope, you find the strength to keep going.Then the unspeakable happens ,the bottom falls out, thats when you really know who your friends are…the ones that really care. Nothing they do or say but they let their presence known without expecting anything.I found out I AM NOT ALONE!

4.Love comes in many forms and so does fears:

To love unconditionally is great but sometimes without limits attached in some form causes uncertainty for the other person.They know you are there for them no matter what happens but sometimes you can be there too much and it doesn’t allow they other one room to grow also. It is OK for someone you love to hurt….the important thing to do is to stand beside them to help not to do for them .That’s what love is…..letting them feel their pain and know someone cares but has faith in their ability to heal themselves by themselves.

5.I am according to other people:

Diligent, tough, brave, funny, lovable, fun, obsessive, caring, admirable,persistent,strong,humor,unyielding,stubborn,forgiving,and determined.

this was the responses to an email that asked for one word that best describes me.If I left any out, please correct me and I apologize in advance.

6.The most important thing I have learned is this:

I think too damn much!!!!!

As I Mature

got this in my email box today and it hit me as both true and funny……..sometimes you just have humor to fall back on!!!!

Things I want before I die…..

For My Kids:

1. I want to see Jon Michael safe and sound and living on his own as a productive adult.

2.See Sterling with a good man that treats her as the gold she is.I want her happy and content in her life but mostly happy with herself!

3.For Sky,I want to her to learn that the world is bigger then she is in which she is not always going to be the center of it.

4.Regarding Sebastian,may his awe of the world around him carry him to the places of his dreams.He has such an warm heart and an amazing mind.

5.Mostly want I want for them is contentment for the wonderful people they are and happiness is always their best friend.

For my Friends:

1.For Charles my biggest wish is for him to find happiness and be OK with it.To learn that he was not put here just to be miserable but to live a wonderful life that he deserves.To see that he has so much greatness in that heart of his,and the world is just waiting for him to see it.

2. My dearest friend Darryl…..I wish for him that he finds the love he has been looking for and be able to accept it as real.To learn that it’s OK to take as much as he gives and he truly deserves every ounce of it.That it is OK to ask for what he wants…..he might just be surprised at the outcome.

3.For Beanie…..may she realize that there is a tomorrow and it’s ok to take a breath today.It all doesn’t have to be done right now…..save some for tomorrow.And  see the GREATNESS that is called Sabine.

4.Sherri ,I wish she finds her squeaky wheel….And for her to realize that bad things happen to good people and anger isn’t the enemy.

5.For Kathy……may she learn to cut herself some slack and realize how much of a difference she has made in every life that she has had touched……past,present,and future.

6.For all my friends mentioned here and not………..long life, health, and happiness.

For Me:

1.To ride a HobyCat 16 across a windy and wavy sea.To once again feel the feeling of flying and freedom as it rides on it’s side.

2.To travel overseas and see Ireland and England.To sit among the ruins of the past and feel the presents of those of long ago.To visit the villages and the rolling hills to which so much history has played an important part of life.

3.To go  deep sea fishing and catch a marlin or a shark.

4.To climb a mountain because it is there.

5. To sail the open waters in a sailboat without a motor for an extended amount of time and live off the resources the ocean has to offer.

6.To go scuba diving on a reef.

7.To find love and contentment but mostly true happiness.

A Letter To Myself

Dear Friend,

      It has been a long time since I have seen you. Where have you been hiding yourself?Are you still there somewhere?I remember a time when you were all smiles and jokes and a lot of fun to be around.An endless ball of energy where nothing you could not do or accomplish.There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t try,and the world was just a step away just waiting for you to reach out and grab it.Grab it you did often.

    When I looked at you,your eyes smiled as if it knew a joke that no one else knew or could hear.When I look at you now all I see are the dull glare of someone beaten by too many battles lost.Your smile was warm and it was the kind that welcomed a stranger into your space.It made them want to know you better.Where did it go?

    Had the pain of body and spirit beaten you into submission of any other person that you once felt sorry for.That you had broken your neck to let them know that the world had so much to offer them so you befriended them to show them the light.Has your light disappeared into darkness?Was it the many pills you now have to take to stay functioning cause you to disappear?Where my friend once stood now a stranger stands.Who are you?You look familiar somehow but I don’t know.

    The YOU I once knew had so much love to give everyone you met,but now you can’t even love yourself.You were bigger then life and anyone that met you knew it instantly.It showed in everything you did and just in the aura you put out.Why are you letting Fibromyalgia(the meds and pain that it causes),the kids,life (and it’s stresses),and the depression of it all beaten you? You were unstoppable before and NOTHING stopped you EVER. The harder something was, the more determined you was to beat it.Have you given up the fight?

      You know the fight is still worth it!Life is still worth it!You just have to fight harder even on days you can’t.You still have to reach out to the world and grab what it has to offer.It’s still there waiting for you however your approach may have to be different.You can still have your hopes and dreams although you may have to adjust them a little…….you can still have them.It may just be a little bit harder to reach,but you can do it!!!!!

    I know it all seems hopeless right now, but give it time.Do the best you can with what you have.I promise it will get better. Who knows maybe one day your physical pain might even become a bad memory of what was………you never know it could happen………if given enough time.Show yourself the patience you show everyone else you know.

             you will be OK,

                        Michele aka Micki

September 17th-24th, 2006

   Its been a very weird and hard week for me.Monday night we made it to the Chicago concert with a little help of our friends.I had truck problems(wouldn’t start without jumps), but they made sure we got home safely.It was a GREAT concert!I think I expected something different then what was there,but I still had a GREAT time.I couldn’t believe how good I felt physically that night. Perhaps it was the fact that NOTHING was going to stop me from being there, or the fact I took my meds late to ensure I felt good.Either way I was on cloud nine.

   After I followed them back home,I went to Walmart and bought a new battery for the truck.Sterling and I picked up our friend Darryl and then went to IHop in Virginia. We didn’t make it back home until 7:30am Tuesday morning.   That when the trouble with me hit.I think I did too much for too long,and I ended up paying for that mistake with a lot of pain that didn’t ease up until yesterday(Saturday).It’s hard to think when I am in that much pain!Now that it has eased up I went about my job of working on my bedroom again. With Sterling and Sky’s help, we have three sheets of Sheetrock up.Only three more to go………woooooooooooohoooooooooo. This job is taking longer then I had wanted but……it’s getting done.

    On the advice from my pain-management doctor I found a support group that deals with chronic pain issues…..the never-ending cycle of mood,stress and pain.I joined up on Wednesday night,but I haven’t made any judgements about it as of yet.So far they seem like a good group of people that might just understand but time will tell.

   Styx had a concert Thursday night which I really wanted to go.!Between the pain I was in and the fact that I had to buy the new battery I couldn’t go.Oh well ,there is always next year. Well, this has been my week……I made it through it without too many scratches.lmao

Crimes For The Times

    Two of my dearest friends have had run ins with the Criminal type(at least not good people)yesterday.Both GRATEFULLY are perfectly fine and unhurt from their ordeals just somewhat shaken up by their experiences.The thing I found odd about it though was they are both in different countries.

   I’ve have been accused of often enough of being too overly protective of my children.My response has always been that times are different from when I grew up.I guess this just proves what I always feared.Both of my friends were minding their own business doing their job(both were at work) then out of nowhere comes trouble.Some time ago I stopped allowing the news to air on our TV at home because all I ever heard were people being hurt by other people. I myself have been a victim of violence away from home many years ago.

   I think what I’m trying to say here is be careful and aware of your surroundings when you are away from home.I hate to think what could have happened to my friends if they weren’t more careful.I could have been writing about their deaths instead of a warning to all who reads this.Be aware , be safe,and BE BLESSED.