My “Happy ” Place

•September 14, 2011 • 1 Comment

 Walking along the shore, I looked out upon the sea. A seagull flying overhead looking for fish swimming near the surface . The sun slowly setting in the horizon. A hermit crab scurrying across the sand as the waves crash into the shoreline.The wind whispers softly in my ears, and the air smells of slightly of salt. Life is good and peace fills my heart and soul.

This is my “happy “place. This is where I go in my mind when life becomes too overwhelming.The place where no heartache occurs or stress is not allowed. Everyone has one that they do not share with anyone else. It is different for everyone and no two are alike.

It is amazing to me how a fantasy can give one such peace and calmness in an otherwise chaotic world.I think that everyone needs to have a safe place to retreat to when they feel unsafe or unsure of themselves. I often wonder why the seashore is mine. How did it come to be for me the place of importance? Why did I choose this place when I love all nature. The only thing that comes to mind is the seashore has endless possibilities and extends beyond any horizon. Like the many grains of sand are endless dreams and hopes of those who have pasted before you or the ones who have yet to come.  A strange way of connecting to everything and nothing at the same time. The perfect paradox  in my opinion.



•September 12, 2011 • 1 Comment

It’s funny, the people who mean the most to us growing up become the ones who later in life become the most disposable. You have spent most your adult life wondering what happened to them.Then one day the stars line up and before you can blink your eye you discover each other again. They seem excited to discover you for a fleeing moment then before you can finish catching up they seem to walk away again. I am not totally sure that they actually do or want to walk away but their present day life does not have the space to include you any longer. You find yourself like when you were younger walking away from those precious people of your youth. You can try for a while to hang on to those friendships you once cherished, but at some point you have to realize that people change, grow, and form new relationships. They live in a world where you no longer fit. It is sad to let go of these people with whom you shared those carefree days of youth with, first loves, and a growing awareness that the world is bigger then what you see. For all these people of my past, I finish by saying this….You were the most important people in my life I have ever known. You will always be remembered with a smile and the warmest of heart.I feel honored that you were able to touch not only my heart but your presence will always resonate in my soul.

September 8th,2011

•September 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Another sleepless night has come to visit me. It seems like I have a lot of those these days. There are so many thoughts going through my head how could I expect anything different. The thing is it isn’t any single thought that is occupying my attention, but a mixture of many different ones running through like a freight train whose brakes have failed  while traveling through the mountains. Even writing this is torture………So often when I write a clarity calms me, today though chaos still remains! Guess I will try again later……..

My Day

•August 19, 2011 • Leave a Comment

 The day starts off like any other day.Wake up at 4am,get out of bed,visit the bathroom to you know and wash face,brush teeth. Then trip over the dog, get ran into by the cat on the way to make coffee. Go to get the coffee grounds just to find out the container is empty AGAIN. Get the latter(yes too short to  reach cabinet with out it) get coffee grounds…..apply grounds,water, and turn on coffee maker. 15 minutes later go to get a cup of coffee….WHAT no coffee is not ready yet, forgot to plug in coffee maker.Plug in coffee maker. 15 MORE minutes finally get coffee. Sit down to drink coffee and check what people did on facebook while i was sleeping.5 minutes later (nothing there to see) , I then turn on messenger to check emails…..nothing to see there either. Time to get dress and get another cup of coffee.

 7am phone starts to ring none stop……… doctor appointment reminders, telemarketers,and unknown callers.Turns ringer off. I then started taking the washing machine a part so next week I can get the new part.(Washer broke a few days ago). Look a the clock …only 9am. Day seems to be creeping along. Bored out of my mind at this point! I check to see what is on TV…nothing good so I turn to facebook again…Noone on and not too many post to look at.

Ok so now I try to find something to do..WAIT… forgot to feed the pets. I know this because everywhere I walk I have a trail of animals following me. Get their bowls and fill with their food…YAY happy pets and noone playing “follow the leader” anymore.

Time for a cup of coffee and a smoke. Walk into the bathroom and start cleaning it.Seems like noone in this house knows how to rinse toothpaste out of the sink.Makes mental note to fuss later. Done washing everything and sweeping floor. Looks at clock again ….Cool it is noon

Dog decides it is time to ” follow the leader”again…has to go potty again.Takes her outside so she can just stand there looking around….no potty this time ,false alarm. Go back inside and checks Facebook again…oh look a few status postings, game request, and spam.  Tries to add new video chat to facebook……get error error error. Oh well did not want anyone to see me anyways lol. Logs off computer. Trips over dog .Gets ran over by a cat who is chasing another cat. Walks into the kitchen and stares at the washing machine sitting in middle of floor disassembled. Shakes head and goes back into livingroom. Starts dusting to find out no more dusting spray. CRAP! Did not want to dust anyways!!!! pulls out vacuum and starts to vacuum floor, belt breaks on vacuum cleaner. OH GREAT!!! One more thing not wanting to work today. Looks at clock……..yay 4pm.

Time to start dinner! What to have? Can not figure out what to cook….sandwiches sound good..problem solved. Go back to Facebook and play game for awhile…… locks up…well did not want to play it anyways! Just sits in chair staring at computer blank screen and window to the outside. Wishing I had a car to go somewhere else…….oh well have no money too spend anyways so better to stay home. Goes to cabinet and gets hit by plastic wear…..yes we have attack tupperware.  Starts to take it all out to organize it better….OH my goodness HAPPY DAY!!  finds a bottle of Buttershots hidden in the back……yummy I know what I am doing tonight, I think!

7pm……..gets glass and pours buttershot into it. Cell phone rings……Urgh. Forgot to turn it off as well.Mental note to self…turn all phones off. Finally sits down to take a sip of buttery goodness….knock at door……outside dog busted chain and is running the neighborhood. Goes to catch dog and finally tricks her to coming to me. Had to rig a new collar for her, but she is no safe at home and tied up. Goes back inside and tries to sit down again to drink my drink.

830pm sitting at computer writing this. Looking back at what I have written I realize that today is just another day in my life, but not too uncommon a day. I then realized something else………….I NEED A LIFE!!!!

If what ifs were rainbows, it would be raining skittles!

•August 12, 2011 • Leave a Comment

If what ifs were rainbows, it would be raining skittles! That is the thing about “WHAT IF”. We spend most of our life saying that one little phase, and all it means is somewhere along the way we made a life changing mistake or decision or something unpleasant happened to us. We use what if to explain against the unpleasantness of life and to talk ourselves out of something we really would want to do. Either way we are making life changing decisions based on a fantasy.Shouldn’t we just accept the choices and move on?

I think so. I have played this same game many times myself. It usually just meant that either fear had me in its grip or I wanted to blame something else for my mistakes. As an adult, I try to take responsibility for my actions, but as a child I often tried to find the reason to why bad things happened. I often thought what if I was born as someone else then I would be happy. I would feel safe, secure, and loved. By thinking this, I felt a little better living in my fantasy therefore being able to escape the life I actually had.

People play this game for all kinds of reasons.Here are two  examples of  what if’s that most people play:

1.What if she did not let little Foo-Foo off their leash, he wouldn’t have been hit by the car.  He would be safe and chasing balls if he was not set loose to run. The person who owned  little Foo-Foo now blames herself for harming her dog and playing the what if game somehow makes her feel better.

2.What if could be used to foresee the end result of something therefore making a decision more logical or illogical. What if  I decided to go see an old friend, would she want to start to hang out again or would she decide she did not like me anymore. This kind of what if could make me not want to decide to do something because the outcome wouldn’t be in my favor. Then again, she might decide I am still the person I use to be, and hanging out again would be a great idea. I would probably not meet her because the fear of being rejected would over power me.

 These two examples are the most common ones I have heard. Either of them affects the person in ways that can change their present day lives.I think it is funny that no matter how many times we make decisions we almost always second guess ourselves. Therefore giving the what ifs more creditability and applications in our every day lives. What do you think would happen if those two little words would disappear out of our vocabulary? Would we just make up more phases to do the same thing? I believe we would because we will always feel the need to put words to mistakes,choices, and fantasies and dream of ways to deal with the consequences. 

The what if game is really an awful game to play but here to stay!

Revisiting the past entries

•August 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Spent sometime this morning rereading the things I have written over the years in this blog. It seems funny that most things I do not ever remember writing. It hit me as I was reading , I can see how many things have changed and yet stayed the same. I can see the pain, feel the heart-felt passages as a stranger who may be reading this might. As I read,things kept popping in my head of things to comment as  if this really was a strangers blog.Supportive things to make them feel better about the things happening in their life. I thought if I could say this to them being a stranger why couldn’t I say it to myself. I am so supportive to EVERYONE except myself. My own worst enemy I have been told! 

 In the post ” Things I want before I die” rereading it I realized that those things are still just as important today as they were in 2007. I sat here trying to figure out how in the world would I actually be able to achieve them. If there is a will , there is a way I guess……….got plenty of extra will but is there a way? lol Guessing that one might actually have to take the back seat again for a while.

So many thought and feelings I have shared here.Things that I could not say out loud either because I felt no one wanted to hear them or because I never thought they weren’t  important to share. Funny how they found themselves put here where no one probably still will ever even see them. Guess all my life I would rather be hiding in the shadow then to be held in the light.I guess I always just found it a little safer to be this way.

As I read, I saw how depression has always been my closest friend and I seemed to hold it closer than I did anything else more important. I figured it is because I have known it so long and so intimately. I wore it  as a sign of failure and shame, hiding it ,disowning it, unwilling to admit that is really there. But somehow as I wrote it was allowed to surface and be seen for what it really was…..loneliness and despair.

But not everything in my life has been that. I have 4 wonderful children,a mom who tries really hard now to be supportive, and a few  friends I am honored to have known. I still have many hopes and dreams that I can look forward to happening. I have a lovely granddaughter which is now a year old. Even though my childhood was rough, it made me strong and determine. I am a survivor of many things good and bad. I can laugh at the world and at myself. I can see the beauty that is in front of me in everything God has created. I have loved and lost and lived to love again. Without the downs ,the ups wouldn’t be held so precious.


•August 10, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I know a person’s trails and tribulations often make us who we are. But does it really change the core of a person that much? Does fighting in a war or seeing death up close,make that person less than they were before these things?

I remember as a child that even though life seemed harsher and unyielding to me, I was still able to care and befriend a person without reservations or prejudices always trying to accept the person in spite of any unwanted behaviors or flaws. I could have held that despair and used as an excuse to treat people badly, but I inspired to be the opposite of what I learned most people were. As the years past, I still strived to be the best me I could in spite of the trails that faced me. I never wanted to see ANYONE harmed,lonely, or sad. I wanted to be everyone’s one person they could count on,the one that no matter how much time past between meetings I would be there unconditionally,and the one they always knew were their friend. I tried without much real effort because it was who I was. I am learning that even though I was their friend, I would not allow them to get close enough to me to be my friend.

The other day I was called a wuss because of how I treat people. According to this person, I allow people to take advantage of me at every given turn without a backbone to stand up for myself. The thing is though, I know what I do and what I allow. They had not seen,been around ,or even chatted with me much over a nearly ten-year period. They,themself, have done the same thing to me that they accused others of doing. So who are they to say anything really?

I have been told many times I try too hard. I have no doubt that this is true. I rarely feel relaxed around people. Always feeling the need to be aware of everything and everyone. I try to anticipate everyone’s needs before they even know themself to ensure their happiness. I have always felt it is my place here on Earth, my purpose, to ensure the wellbeing of others.Most times it makes me miserable. But I feel if I can push it far enough down, it doesn’t matter.

Maybe it is the age I am or the fact that I realize my time here is almost over. It really is starting to matter to me. Here is where it gets messy. I do not know how to change it. I also want to be happy and fulfilled. But how? I, too, want to feel important, noticed, loved, and worthy. I want friends too just not people I know.People I can count on….really count on. How do I allow others to be there for me when all I have ever had was myself? I guess that is the million dollar question huh?!!

Dear Blog

•August 9, 2011 • Leave a Comment

For so long I have forgotten you. You were my ears when no one else heard. You were my voice when words failed to appear. You sat waiting for me to return to you, knowing one day I would come back.

So many things I have done over the years while I was gone. I finally got to apologize to the one who meant the most long ago, but the outcome I fear I made more into a mess. Instead of being allowed to keep them in my life,I pulled a Micki and chased them away again. I just wanted to be in their life somewhere, but things got mangled,  meanings twisted, and more made out of a simple  gesture of gratitude than was meant to happen. I never dreamt that the outcome would have become what it did. So even though I did what I set out to do, maybe I should have just left it the way it was.The thought of a time long past with them wondering what happened and possibly something they did, I wanted to give them some closure as well. To tell them that it was never their fault but the fault of a frightened teenager not wanting to make another mistake.

I became a grandmother. A child I never get to see. It saddens my heart to think she will never know me. I have missed so much of her young life so far. Even though I tried to be in her life, the price is too great if I interfered. She will always be special to me even if she does not know me.

I have been wanting to try new experiences.Although strange to me, still somehow exciting.If only I could leave my shell long enough to see it through!

So my dearest blog, I have missed your unbiased ears that listen, voice to speechless words, and the ability to allow me to be myself with my deepest thought without the fear of rejection.

at a lost

•May 20, 2007 • 2 Comments

I’m trying to hold it all together ,but it is getting so much harder to do. I walk around with a mask on so no one can see the hell I live with inside my head.

There isn’t much more I can either handle or lose at this point. My best friend wants little if anything to do with me.He says it isn’t so,but don’t actions speak louder then words? He told me a few months ago that what I thought and wanted was important,and his actions towards me he was going to fix. No longer with just words but was going to show me.I see him maybe once or twice a week if I’m lucky. He did come Friday and Saturday for awhile .It just feels like he’s thrown me away because my usefulness is no longer needed or wanted. I am not use to this from him and am very disappointed by his behavior towards me.He’s been my best friend for nearly 7 years and have been inseparable for the last 4 or 5. I just don’t get it!

I hate that all my so called friendships are all based on conditions and contradictions. Half the time I don’t know if i’m coming or going ,but I try to continue as I always have………After all, isn’t that what a true friend does?

I’m about to lose everything I own, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have tried not to worry about what I can’t change but something has to give and soon!

It is so hard to find reason to get up and continue to go on everyday. Everyday I wear a mask so no one will see how bad my mental state is. I want to say I give, but it won’t solve anything. oh well, one more day and one more day is how i will try to go on. but god it’s hard.

my world today

•April 23, 2007 • 3 Comments

Have you ever experience a time in your life where quiet desperation was all you had? Where the world seemed as unfriendly as the neighbor’s dog , ready to pounce on ya as the gate opens?

Lately this has been my world I see , where I live. A place where chasing rainbows is unimportant …..seems like no point in even looking because you’ll never find one anyways.This is a world of no hope,no laughs, no faith, and no help around the corner.It all seems too real to swallow sometimes without any escape. A place where the walls are all crashing down around you without a hero to help in sight.

So many loses and so few gains have beaten me down to a hollow shell of a person.Hopelessness and helplessness are my newest and best friends right now.Every minute seems like a struggle to hang on ,and every breath seems like a lifetime.

I’m not saying that life is worthless,but just trying right now.It’s funny that people see a rock where only a pebble stands disguised as a rock. I have probably lost anyone and everyone reading this . Again welcome to my world lol. The thing about being lost is you will eventually find your way. Sometimes it just takes longer to get where your going. Its the trip that counts not the distance.Finding the strenght to keep going is the trick to it all. You borrow and steal what you don’t already have from any source near you. Hopefully someone will willingly share with ya ,but usually you have to sneak it away from them without them knowing.

Any case, you do what you need to do with what you have.