Illusions are  funny things.They make people believe things that aren’t real  by appearing, or feeling real. Me personally, I don’t believe in them or live in them.Don’t get me wrong,I am not so cynical that I believe everything is bad, but I try to see things as they actually are..good and bad.I don’t believe in all the happily ever-afters as in the fairy tales ,but I do believe in happiness.I try very hard to accept  all truths  just as they appear.Sometimes those realities are harder to swallow.Sometimes  those exact truths are easier then the fairy-tales.I guess it all depends on what is at stake.I was told once that as long as I didn’t have false hopes everything would work out. I’ve always believed that as long as you stay true to yourself you could handle anything. Perhaps that isn’t always the truth either.

I have a friend that for many years I have tried to be there for them.I always knew I was ,to them, one of those friends of passing. You know that kind of friend…..the ones you are happy to see and even miss them a little when you haven’t seen them in a while, but you never really liked them enough to hang out with.Then out of the blue I broke some ground.They started to want to see me more,share things of the heart,vent about their life ,and even share some of their past.After some time though it quickly changed.I knew why,they told me why. They got scared. They got closer then they felt comfortable doing so….Perhaps they started to care more then they wanted to or should have……..that I am not really sure about…They withdrew almost completely.I knew all I could do was listen and wait for them to come back.I had faith they would because whether or not they ever wanted to admit it…….a connection was made.They knew I cared, and I wouldn’t ever stop caring about them and their lives.If nothing else, they knew that I always had a hug and a smile reserved just for them.So now their back. Different then before though. …….more guarded, more reserve then before, more shielded against me…..almost like they don’t trust anymore. That I would or could take their total being and crush it.I understand also that it is their way of self-protecting against any farther harm to their mentality and heart. But still it bothers me. I know they like me. They care about me.I know this because I see it when we are together, and many sideways comments said on their part.Since I live in the “real world” , I don’t put too much faith into what I think I see other then that.You know the “actions speak louder then words” saying…….that I believe in!Anyone can say they love you,but the one that truly does….you feel it. I found out sometime ago that they are leaving the area in a few months.It frightens me.After all this work and time,I might lose them for good. The passer-by friend, the one you see but don’t hang out with but hug as you walk by,the friendly friend, the one you meet for breakfast whenever you can but only during the week, and the deepest friend,the one you let see your soul, will all be but a fading memory.I will be forgotten completely. I fear without the reminder that I am there for them,that I would truly become invisible to them forever.That the one thing I was good to them for,now not being a contributing factor, they will toss me back where I came.

I wish I believed in Illusions!



~ by welcometomyworld on July 4, 2006.

One Response to “illusions”

  1. Even if this person physically moves on, you have still made an important impact on his/her life…one that will stay with them no matter what. Sometimes we have to let go and let life take its course. That is a difficult and sometimes painful thing to do, but it’s almost always for the best. God’s purposes are a mystery, but our trust has to be with Him. He loves us and sees so much more than we ever could.

    Don’t ever let anyone tell you anything different! You rock! We all do, in our own unique way!


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