A New Day

I made it thru the night although I’m not sure how.I might tear up but to cry isn’t me……at least until last night. I can’t remember crying like that ,losing the control over myself I hold tight.I’ve always been proud of the fact that I don’t do that real hard boohooing.you know what though?after it was over and done, i could think clearer, felt less stressed.Still the depression sits on my heart ,but the stress of everything feels like a distant memory.The conflicts still stand infront of me, but they dont seem so dangerous anymore of sucking  my soul away.I really wanted to die, really tried to die but screwed it up gratefully.Paid the price of what I did by throwing up for three hours and a headache that wouldn’t quit.I realized during this ordeal that I would miss a lot of things that make me who I am. I realized that even though I feel invisible ,disconnected only I can choose to change it.After all it is my feelings!Perhaps some people do treat me like that but maybe it is how THEY need to do it. It doesnt mean they care about me less .So, it isn’t how i want it to be, and I don’t always have to like it.Nevertheless,they are doing the best they can , and at least they are still a part of my world.My ex husband was suppose to come and get the girls but , he decided he didn’t want to make the long drive here….Maybe there is a merciful God afterall ! lol I said goodbye to a lot of people last night and most of them just thought I was being sweet because I told them what i really thought and felt about them……I guess out of misery comes sunshine.For that ignorance I am truly grateful…..it’s funny……….For the first time in my life, as I wrote those tiny messages, I wrote how I truly thought and felt. I didn’t care what they thought of it,just wanted them to know how grateful i was to have them call me friend. The final result was a few of them took it as if i was declaring my love for them.I guess, where my friends are concerned I do love them unconditionally, with everything my heart holds ,but my mind doesn’t understand love as they took it.I don’t believe in the fairytale love, but I do love.I do feel.I do hurt. I do get disappointed.I do get mad. I do dream.I do want. I do need.I do wish. I do feel cheated at times. But I never never hate!

Today is a new day.Tomorrow will be another.One moment at a time and one day at a time is what I must do to survive. More importantly thought to LIVE!

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~ by welcometomyworld on July 27, 2006.

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