A friendship

   Have you ever just needed to see someone?Not because of what they say to you or what they do for you, but how you you feel around them, I don’t know how to word it, I guess calm,safe, and important.I had a friend like that once.I say once because things have changed so much over the last year and a half.Don’t get me wrong, I still look forward to seeing them and very much want to see them…..always will…….it’s just I feel cheapened or disrespected for a better word by them now.Although I try to convince myself and them that its OK ,I understand…..I don’t and it isn’t.Would I rather give it time and see if it gets better, accept it and let it stay this way for always,or take the chance that if I say it needs to change they would walk away forever.As it sits now its getting worst .Perhaps, it’s their way of telling me to go away,and as stubborn as I am I won’t or can’t…..which I don’t know.All I know is it breaks my heart every time they act that way.I never allow them to see it……I’m really good at hiding things like feelings.I KNOW they care about me and I use to think they really wanted me in their life.Now…….I just don’t know.The scariest thing though isn’t how they treat me but the fact I’m beginning not to care if they do or don’t.

The thing about me is I can get numb towards things, people, and feelings.That scares me!!!!!Please don’t understand it as I don’t care about them or whatever anymore because once you’re in my heart you are there for life.I just can’t feel anything anymore(personally).Its like a nerve that the doctor severs to your leg…..you know the leg is still there,you can touch it,but where that nerve once ran its numb.I still have feelings for whatever, but I can’t access them any longer.It’s funny really…..the one thing my mother taught me that has stuck with me is how to”write off” .Not one of my better qualities I tell you and I fight daily to not do it.I can’t do it with conflicts and situations but I can with people.Over the years I have learned how to recognize when it is starting ,and I have done well controlling it.Its happening with this friend now and I DON’T WANT IT!I have to figure out a way to stop it, but i’m not sure how without their help .If I try to talk about it with them ,they will walk away ,and I know this as fact because they will misunderstand it. I want this friend…..I need this friend…… and because of this I know I will lose this friend. 😦

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~ by welcometomyworld on July 28, 2006.

One Response to “A friendship”

  1. One of the hardest lessons I ever learned was that I can’t change people, or make them be who I want them to be. They are who they are for a reason. 😉

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