The saboteur

The saboteur is what I have been the last few weeks.I’ve done things,said things, ignored things so everything and everyone will go away. I guess because I feel alone,I’m making it so I will be alone.It’s not what I really want,but I can’t seem to stop it right now.I only hope I’ve not ruin all of these very important friendships that have meant so much to me in the past and hopefully will still have in the future.To all my friends I am sorry!I really don’t know why I do thses things.

Charles…I think of all the friendships I have here, he is the one I’m the most worried about.I think I focus the most on our relationship when times are hard. Maybe its because I might feel I can do something about it,control it,fix it when everything  else in my life feels so out of control.Needless to say,I am harder to deal with.He is loving, supportive, caring, willing to listen,and always tries to make the time to be there.His only crime…..he can’t give me the kind of friendship I want, but he does the best he can.I know that!Of all the times over the last years, he is the one I have always tried to hold on to.Now I find myself trying to push him away too.I fear I have done it.Oh God I hope I am wrong!!!!!!

Darryl ,a friend of mine for many years both personally and professionally,is at the moment is mad at me,and I can’t blame him at all.He’s a very caring guy whose heart is sometimes bigger then his brain.I think that’s why we had gotten along so well he and I.We are both stubborn and giving ,and we honestly care with our heart and soul.When I realized that the stress was tearing me up to the point where I was having a hard time dealing with it,I took it out on him.Why????? I don’t know!He didn’t deserve any of it…..fussing at him when it wasn’t his fault,not returning or answering his phone calls.When he just showed up at my door ,I started acting like he wasn’t welcomed here.He is,was ,and always has been welcomed here!!!!Yet, I made him feel he wasn’t that last time.WHY?????????????????

Monna is another one of my dearest friends.Her crime was telling me that I am likable,lovable,and deserving. She’s the one that sent me that email last week about treating myself like I treat others.She has done nothing but respected and loved me and always a friend when all else failed.She doesn’t live near here anymore,moved away a couple of years ago,but always trying to stay in touch.She shared a secret with me a few months ago, a secret I already knew .Even though I knew it, I still loved her anyways …..it didn’t matter to me she was my friend, and a very loving person with a beautiful soul.I guess I wanted to prove she was wrong about me because I haven’t been treating her like she so much deserves!I’ve been saying stuff in a way which she would take offence…..I mean serious offence.The thing is as I was saying this stuff,I felt really bad,but said it nonetheless.I wasn’t angry at her for anything..she didn’t do anything wrong but be my friend!

Di has always tried to be my friend.For some reason though I have to keep her at a distance.I’m not sure why.She is a very giving ,caring person…smart,likes alot of the same things I do.I think when I get like this she just doesn’t understand.She was the one who I was helping remodel.She was great ,and I was an ass. What I was doing by helping her caused me pain(body), and it made me mad that I couldn’t do what I once had been able to do.One day,I blew up at her bad ,and she was just goofing off like we do.I didn’t want her to know I was hurting.I didn’t want her to know I could not longer do what i once did.She knew though, and it made me worthless.She was just trying to protect me from farther harm ,and it pissed me off.So I pissed her off.Wouldn’t blame her a bit if she never wants to talk to me again.It was wrong the way I acted in anyone’s books.

The hardest ones….my kids.I love them dearly with EVERYTHING I am or will ever be.They are the reason I’m still here. Their crime….making me feel guilty for wanting to leave them therefore trapping me.I’ve been yelling at them more then I should lately.I want them to hate me and want to go live with their dads.They try so hard to be understanding!Sebastian clings to me because he knows something is wrong but is 5 year old brain doesn’t understand.The girls try to give me space and help take care of him.I don’t get like this very often ,but when I do our house is in chaos.The kids fight more among themselves.No one sleeps well except for Sebastian , and everyone walks on eggshells.This ISN’T what I want for my kids, so I try to hide it from them.The older ones can still tell.

Although he doesn’t live near me and I’ve never actually met him, he is still very important.MY friend Mick.I said something to him last night that I know bothered him ,but it was to late after I hit send.He is such a wonderful person, and I have a great time with him. He always makes me feel like I’m important and wanted no matter what my mood.I think it must be hard for him to be my friend sometimes.Because I am so open with him about everything , I think he isn’t really sure how to take me.The thing I did yesterday because I knew his weakness  I used it. Hopefully I didnt scare him away………

Lastly..Kathy and Sabine(aka BEANIE).two wonderful people to whom I have enjoyed so much over the last year. Who would have thought that a chat room would have become so important in ones life(even have the alarm on my watch set so I wont miss it lol). These two wonderful people whom I love dearly have tried to be so supportive and caring I fear I have alienated.Having never seen me like this, they aren’t sure what to do or say.What they need to understand is I’ll be OK.I always am eventually.I don’t want you guys to go away ,but if you can be patient and bare with me ….I will go back to normal.

~ by welcometomyworld on July 29, 2006.