the roller coaster ride

  A roller coaster ride I’ve been on these last few weeks ,and I’m ready for it all to stop now.Right now I just feel numb.At least numb is a neutral feeling right?Not always though.There are so many thoughts running through my head that thinking is so hard to do.I can not focus on any one thing for long.It makes writing even harder, and I doubt if anything I say will make sense to anyone reading it. I do know this: stress makes the physical pain worst and with more pain comes more stress………….an endless circle that i fear will never end. Went on a three day fishing trip with Sterling and even that didn’t help….actually made things much worst then before.Not real sure why.I haven’t been this lost in a long time…..I have figured out a few things though about myself along the way.I have a friend here where I live that by trying to make his life and himself more relaxed I have actually made things worst for him.I didn’t mean to cause him harm , but honestly was trying to make him see he wasn’t always alone as he had felt. I just made everything so screwed up , and my fear is that it will never be recovered.Also discovered that masks are only as good as you have the strength to make them.When your numb,they really don’t work as well as YOU think they should or want. The biggest thing I’m dealing with right now is nothing really matters.NOTHING! ……..not people, not chores,not health, not personal safety……nothing.Perhaps when the sunrises upon a new day things will seem better ,but for now…….I just don’t care.

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~ by welcometomyworld on August 15, 2006.

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