The road to self-discovery

     The road to self-discovery isn’t always easily understood.Just as you think you know why something is, a speed bump knocks you around, and you discover you really don’t know anything.

     I have always believed that if you cared enough about something or someone that everything would work out for the best.All I had to do was give it my all ,and that would be enough.I am finding out that this is just my own illusion of things ,and how false my belief really is. Your best is often not enough, and things do not always work out the way you expect or want in spite of what you do.Sometimes it’s because you  do too much, try too hard to please.Other times, it is just the situation by itself that is doomed to fail from the start before you even stepped into it.The problem is I don’t give up easily, and I am always looking for the loop hole,the underlining thing that explains it all.Sometimes there really isn’t any explanation to why things go so terribly wrong,it just is what it is….a totally messed up situation.Any normal person would just shake their head at it and walk away……NOT ME.

     I’m the type that stands there and fights,sometimes passively , sometimes aggressively,but almost always the only one still standing there saying WTF.Nevertheless, I still stand there.Am I that naive in my thinking to not know when to give up?To walk away?When  to say ENOUGH!?Instead of getting angry ,I usually turn it onto myself in ways I know aren’t healthy for me.Thinking……well I must have done something wrong for things to turn out this way. Or, maybe if I had done this or that differently then…….ending result taking the blame for everything bad or unjust even though I know it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do.Bottom line…..It was never the fault of anyone or anything else just mine.I should have tried harder, been better,cared more, fought harder,given more,been more patient,or just given it more time. This is all bull shit.I did my best . I was true to myself and the situation.That’s what I should be thinking!It isn’t the easiest thing to do though….to change the way you think.

    I know why I am this way.I am trying to change it, but it has always defined who I was not to just myself but also to the people who knew me.I am starting to stand up for myself in ways I have never done before.I think that’s what’s so funny about it. I would fight for something or someone else in a heart beat but never for myself.I never demanded respect or loyalty or the common decencies ,just accepted what I was given,but this is changing.In doing this, I am the one who is losing in the end.I am losing friendships, people who mean a lot to me.People I knew (well thought) cared about me.For someone who doesn’t believe in illusions,I found out that my life is just one big one.A life of pretend situations and people where reality doesn’t exist. Who am I now??????? What will become of me?????

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~ by welcometomyworld on August 22, 2006.

2 Responses to “The road to self-discovery”

  1. Micki, maybe you’re focusing too much on one thing. Just relax and look around at other opportunities, just like when you went out by yourself recently. You might be surprised at what will come your way if you stop trying so hard. That’s been my own experience anyway! :o)

    xxx

  2. perhaps you are right kathy. Midlife crisis????still just trying to find my way…..It isn’t just about people but how my life is changing…situations,people, my health…..just life ingeneral.

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