at a lost

I’m trying to hold it all together ,but it is getting so much harder to do. I walk around with a mask on so no one can see the hell I live with inside my head.

There isn’t much more I can either handle or lose at this point. My best friend wants little if anything to do with me.He says it isn’t so,but don’t actions speak louder then words? He told me a few months ago that what I thought and wanted was important,and his actions towards me he was going to fix. No longer with just words but was going to show me.I see him maybe once or twice a week if I’m lucky. He did come Friday and Saturday for awhile .It just feels like he’s thrown me away because my usefulness is no longer needed or wanted. I am not use to this from him and am very disappointed by his behavior towards me.He’s been my best friend for nearly 7 years and have been inseparable for the last 4 or 5. I just don’t get it!

I hate that all my so called friendships are all based on conditions and contradictions. Half the time I don’t know if i’m coming or going ,but I try to continue as I always have………After all, isn’t that what a true friend does?

I’m about to lose everything I own, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have tried not to worry about what I can’t change but something has to give and soon!

It is so hard to find reason to get up and continue to go on everyday. Everyday I wear a mask so no one will see how bad my mental state is. I want to say I give, but it won’t solve anything. oh well, one more day and one more day is how i will try to go on. but god it’s hard.

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~ by welcometomyworld on May 20, 2007.

2 Responses to “at a lost”

  1. God will light your path and show you the way. He always provides for His own. I’m thinking of you and wish I was there to give you a big ol’ Texas-sized hug!

    xxx
    Kathy

  2. Though I’m not exactly in the same situation as you, but I have to say I know how that feels.
    I’ve basically lost all my friends, especailly close ones, I’ve lost most things. Though you’re may be older than I and have alot more experiences than me… Makes no difference I get it, but I can understand how you feel and it is something I hate to go through it too.

    I guess like some poeple say, that will all change. For me I have no idea… But I hope it does change for you. For every hardship…there got to be some hope and ease right?

    Take it easy and hang on there

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