I know a person’s trails and tribulations often make us who we are. But does it really change the core of a person that much? Does fighting in a war or seeing death up close,make that person less than they were before these things?

I remember as a child that even though life seemed harsher and unyielding to me, I was still able to care and befriend a person without reservations or prejudices always trying to accept the person in spite of any unwanted behaviors or flaws. I could have held that despair and used as an excuse to treat people badly, but I inspired to be the opposite of what I learned most people were. As the years past, I still strived to be the best me I could in spite of the trails that faced me. I never wanted to see ANYONE harmed,lonely, or sad. I wanted to be everyone’s one person they could count on,the one that no matter how much time past between meetings I would be there unconditionally,and the one they always knew were their friend. I tried without much real effort because it was who I was. I am learning that even though I was their friend, I would not allow them to get close enough to me to be my friend.

The other day I was called a wuss because of how I treat people. According to this person, I allow people to take advantage of me at every given turn without a backbone to stand up for myself. The thing is though, I know what I do and what I allow. They had not seen,been around ,or even chatted with me much over a nearly ten-year period. They,themself, have done the same thing to me that they accused others of doing. So who are they to say anything really?

I have been told many times I try too hard. I have no doubt that this is true. I rarely feel relaxed around people. Always feeling the need to be aware of everything and everyone. I try to anticipate everyone’s needs before they even know themself to ensure their happiness. I have always felt it is my place here on Earth, my purpose, to ensure the wellbeing of others.Most times it makes me miserable. But I feel if I can push it far enough down, it doesn’t matter.

Maybe it is the age I am or the fact that I realize my time here is almost over. It really is starting to matter to me. Here is where it gets messy. I do not know how to change it. I also want to be happy and fulfilled. But how? I, too, want to feel important, noticed, loved, and worthy. I want friends too just not people I know.People I can count on….really count on. How do I allow others to be there for me when all I have ever had was myself? I guess that is the million dollar question huh?!!


~ by welcometomyworld on August 10, 2011.

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