Revisiting the past entries

Spent sometime this morning rereading the things I have written over the years in this blog. It seems funny that most things I do not ever remember writing. It hit me as I was reading , I can see how many things have changed and yet stayed the same. I can see the pain, feel the heart-felt passages as a stranger who may be reading this might. As I read,things kept popping in my head of things to comment as  if this really was a strangers blog.Supportive things to make them feel better about the things happening in their life. I thought if I could say this to them being a stranger why couldn’t I say it to myself. I am so supportive to EVERYONE except myself. My own worst enemy I have been told! 

 In the post ” Things I want before I die” rereading it I realized that those things are still just as important today as they were in 2007. I sat here trying to figure out how in the world would I actually be able to achieve them. If there is a will , there is a way I guess……….got plenty of extra will but is there a way? lol Guessing that one might actually have to take the back seat again for a while.

So many thought and feelings I have shared here.Things that I could not say out loud either because I felt no one wanted to hear them or because I never thought they weren’t  important to share. Funny how they found themselves put here where no one probably still will ever even see them. Guess all my life I would rather be hiding in the shadow then to be held in the light.I guess I always just found it a little safer to be this way.

As I read, I saw how depression has always been my closest friend and I seemed to hold it closer than I did anything else more important. I figured it is because I have known it so long and so intimately. I wore it  as a sign of failure and shame, hiding it ,disowning it, unwilling to admit that is really there. But somehow as I wrote it was allowed to surface and be seen for what it really was…..loneliness and despair.

But not everything in my life has been that. I have 4 wonderful children,a mom who tries really hard now to be supportive, and a few  friends I am honored to have known. I still have many hopes and dreams that I can look forward to happening. I have a lovely granddaughter which is now a year old. Even though my childhood was rough, it made me strong and determine. I am a survivor of many things good and bad. I can laugh at the world and at myself. I can see the beauty that is in front of me in everything God has created. I have loved and lost and lived to love again. Without the downs ,the ups wouldn’t be held so precious.


~ by welcometomyworld on August 11, 2011.

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