Dear Blog

•August 9, 2011 • Leave a Comment

For so long I have forgotten you. You were my ears when no one else heard. You were my voice when words failed to appear. You sat waiting for me to return to you, knowing one day I would come back.

So many things I have done over the years while I was gone. I finally got to apologize to the one who meant the most long ago, but the outcome I fear I made more into a mess. Instead of being allowed to keep them in my life,I pulled a Micki and chased them away again. I just wanted to be in their life somewhere, but things got mangled,  meanings twisted, and more made out of a simple  gesture of gratitude than was meant to happen. I never dreamt that the outcome would have become what it did. So even though I did what I set out to do, maybe I should have just left it the way it was.The thought of a time long past with them wondering what happened and possibly something they did, I wanted to give them some closure as well. To tell them that it was never their fault but the fault of a frightened teenager not wanting to make another mistake.

I became a grandmother. A child I never get to see. It saddens my heart to think she will never know me. I have missed so much of her young life so far. Even though I tried to be in her life, the price is too great if I interfered. She will always be special to me even if she does not know me.

I have been wanting to try new experiences.Although strange to me, still somehow exciting.If only I could leave my shell long enough to see it through!

So my dearest blog, I have missed your unbiased ears that listen, voice to speechless words, and the ability to allow me to be myself with my deepest thought without the fear of rejection.


at a lost

•May 20, 2007 • 2 Comments

I’m trying to hold it all together ,but it is getting so much harder to do. I walk around with a mask on so no one can see the hell I live with inside my head.

There isn’t much more I can either handle or lose at this point. My best friend wants little if anything to do with me.He says it isn’t so,but don’t actions speak louder then words? He told me a few months ago that what I thought and wanted was important,and his actions towards me he was going to fix. No longer with just words but was going to show me.I see him maybe once or twice a week if I’m lucky. He did come Friday and Saturday for awhile .It just feels like he’s thrown me away because my usefulness is no longer needed or wanted. I am not use to this from him and am very disappointed by his behavior towards me.He’s been my best friend for nearly 7 years and have been inseparable for the last 4 or 5. I just don’t get it!

I hate that all my so called friendships are all based on conditions and contradictions. Half the time I don’t know if i’m coming or going ,but I try to continue as I always have………After all, isn’t that what a true friend does?

I’m about to lose everything I own, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have tried not to worry about what I can’t change but something has to give and soon!

It is so hard to find reason to get up and continue to go on everyday. Everyday I wear a mask so no one will see how bad my mental state is. I want to say I give, but it won’t solve anything. oh well, one more day and one more day is how i will try to go on. but god it’s hard.

my world today

•April 23, 2007 • 3 Comments

Have you ever experience a time in your life where quiet desperation was all you had? Where the world seemed as unfriendly as the neighbor’s dog , ready to pounce on ya as the gate opens?

Lately this has been my world I see , where I live. A place where chasing rainbows is unimportant …..seems like no point in even looking because you’ll never find one anyways.This is a world of no hope,no laughs, no faith, and no help around the corner.It all seems too real to swallow sometimes without any escape. A place where the walls are all crashing down around you without a hero to help in sight.

So many loses and so few gains have beaten me down to a hollow shell of a person.Hopelessness and helplessness are my newest and best friends right now.Every minute seems like a struggle to hang on ,and every breath seems like a lifetime.

I’m not saying that life is worthless,but just trying right now.It’s funny that people see a rock where only a pebble stands disguised as a rock. I have probably lost anyone and everyone reading this . Again welcome to my world lol. The thing about being lost is you will eventually find your way. Sometimes it just takes longer to get where your going. Its the trip that counts not the distance.Finding the strenght to keep going is the trick to it all. You borrow and steal what you don’t already have from any source near you. Hopefully someone will willingly share with ya ,but usually you have to sneak it away from them without them knowing.

Any case, you do what you need to do with what you have.

Finally A BREAK

•December 19, 2006 • 1 Comment

 For some reason wordpress wouldn’t let me write in my blog for sometime……not sure if it was my computer or something wrong with this site . Either way it seems fixed now.

 The last few months for me have been rough ones.Depression have been constant companion which I am glad it has finally found another place to hang out. My friend Darryl has been my lifesaver during these times.He has always made himself available to lend me an ear or a shoulder to cry on…Money has become such an issue…not enough to pay the bills or even to buy a few presents for my girls. I knew my kids were extremely special but I never knew just how special they were. My girls elected to give up any presents they may have gotten to insure that Sebastian had a Christmas. It broke my heart to tell them that money was THAT tight, but they gave me the best present they ever could for Christmas…………understanding and selflessness.

 SSI denied me again last month ,but thanks to another friend of mine here I found a Lawyer that was willing to help me. The next step now is in the courtroom.It seemed hopeless until this week.I still may not win but at least I’m fighting for myself.It’s a start!

 To all my friend to whom I have not spoken to lately….I just wanted to let you know you ARE MISSED very much! Life was giving me way to much to handle but I am alive and well.I wanted to wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!! I love each and everyone of you all dearly. My friends in Roger’sGardenGate  I will see you soon in chat…..

 With those thoughts and well wishing I will say goodnight….May anyone reading this be blessed in their lives and in their dreams. MERRY Christmas!

The New and Improved

•November 24, 2006 • 1 Comment

 Its funny the “new and improve” to me actually describes that something BETTER is taking place.My cable company went from yucky Adelphia cable to better Time Warner cable. Now let me tell you about the better service T.W……IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

Since the conversion my internet service is nearly non-existence…..meaning it is out more then it is working. Since 12am Wednesday night/Thursday morning until sometime this morning(Friday) the internet was out of order. That made it  a grand total of only working three days this week.That is better the 30 days out of the month with Adelphia?????Guess my math is lacking because I always thought 30 was better then 3.Perhaps I need to go back to school and relearn my math.

So to those who didn’t hear from me yesterday HAPPY THANKSGIVING….sometimes late is better then never. ….sorry.It really wasn’t my lack of desire to wish all well but my wonderful “new and improved” cable company’s idea of good customer service and quality. Well I better post this before My service gets better again and someone wakes up at their post and turns off the internet again !roflmao :p

Things I Have Learned In the Last Few Months:

•November 21, 2006 • 1 Comment

     There are several things that I have learned in the past six months that  has changed the way I look at myself and my life.

1. Not everything that changes is all bad:

 Sometimes without knowing the reason right then, things will change. At the time you feel you are losing your grip on your so called life when the reality of it is … is what is best for you so another door can open for you.It makes you prepared for it…In a way, it breaks you down to be rebuilt.

2.Friendships grow and change:

I have had many long time friendships that seemed to change for the worst over a short period of time..I spent way too much time pondering what I had done to cause this.The truth of it is I have found out, that it was them who changed and all I needed to do was let it happen. They needed something different ,and it wasn’t anything I had done or hadn’t done to cause it.Some walked away ….while others came closer in a different way.In the end, they are better friendships because of it.

3.As bad as it seems it CAN get worst:

Just when you think you are at the end of your rope, you find the strength to keep going.Then the unspeakable happens ,the bottom falls out, thats when you really know who your friends are…the ones that really care. Nothing they do or say but they let their presence known without expecting anything.I found out I AM NOT ALONE!

4.Love comes in many forms and so does fears:

To love unconditionally is great but sometimes without limits attached in some form causes uncertainty for the other person.They know you are there for them no matter what happens but sometimes you can be there too much and it doesn’t allow they other one room to grow also. It is OK for someone you love to hurt….the important thing to do is to stand beside them to help not to do for them .That’s what love is…..letting them feel their pain and know someone cares but has faith in their ability to heal themselves by themselves.

5.I am according to other people:

Diligent, tough, brave, funny, lovable, fun, obsessive, caring, admirable,persistent,strong,humor,unyielding,stubborn,forgiving,and determined.

this was the responses to an email that asked for one word that best describes me.If I left any out, please correct me and I apologize in advance.

6.The most important thing I have learned is this:

I think too damn much!!!!! 🙂

As I Mature

•October 14, 2006 • Leave a Comment

got this in my email box today and it hit me as both true and funny……..sometimes you just have humor to fall back on!!!!